The Codependent Conundrum

Recently, I’ve been reflecting a lot on the issue of codependency in intimate relationships, and I’ve realised that there is a common stereotype that is unbalanced, damaging, and inaccurate.

Please note that whilst this article reflects mostly on heterosexual relationships, I certainly acknowledge that there can be elements of this pattern in lesbian and gay relationships as well.

For the most part, the majority of people have been conditioned to think of codependency as a trait that is largely associated with women. However, I have lost count of how many times I have come across undeniable evidence that men are just as prone to codependency as women (if not more).

In my years working as a couples counsellor, I have witnessed the same pattern over and over again, and it seems like it is largely going unacknowledged. Before we dive further into exactly what this pattern looks like, let’s look more closely at the typical traits of a codependent person within the context of relationships.

According to a variety of texts and online sources, including the book Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, the main signs of codependency include:

* Fear of solitude
* Absence of personal boundaries—anticipating others to adhere to given advice (essentially striving to "rescue" others).
* Sensation of being exploited and used by others after anticipating compliance with offered advice.
* Striving to satisfy others in hopes of being liked and cherished; if affection isn't reciprocated, often feeling victimised.
* Taking everything to heart, including hypersensitivity to criticism or disapproval from significant individuals.
* Fundamental dread of rejection and feeling unworthy of love.
* Employing manipulation, shame, or guilt to influence others' conduct.
* Deceiving others and justifying others' inappropriate actions.

Before we go any further, I just want to acknowledge that codependency is a common trait, so it’s certainly not something to be ashamed of, even though it can be difficult not to feel ashamed with all of the harmful stereotypes out there.

The one that comes to mind the most is that of the deranged crazy ex-girlfriend who is so hung up on their ex-boyfriend after having been dumped for being a needy, clingy basket case with borderline stalking tendencies.

In my opinion, this is a damaging image, which shames women for getting upset after the end of a relationship. Of course, there are women who fit this description, but it’s still tremendously unhelpful to label them as the “psycho ex-girlfriend,” as it is highly likely that someone who behaves in this manner has experienced attachment trauma and/or suffers from significant mental health issues.

While this behaviour is problematic, what is ultimately needed is compassion, understanding, and psychiatric care—not to be demonised further and potentially re-traumatised as a result.

Meanwhile, one of the main patterns that I have seen happening over and over when a relationship breaks down is that the male counterpart typically jumps straight into the next relationship, while the female counterpart is incapable of moving on until she has had some time to process the pain and grief from the breakup. There are always exceptions, and everyone is different, but this appears to be a typical pattern mostly within heterosexual relationships.

It’s actually fairly common for a large percentage of men to line up another date or partner prior to ending their current relationship, so there is little or no time between partnerships.

Obviously, women engage in this behaviour as well, but I have noticed it happening in greater numbers with men. More often than not, it appears to be an attempt to avoid processing and dealing with uncomfortable feelings associated with guilt, shame, loss, and grief after the end of a significant (or insignificant) relationship.

It’s also pretty common for men to stay too long in relationships that are not working, or that are even downright toxic. Again, I have seen this pattern over and over again, specifically with men, while the stereotype around this type of behaviour falls almost exclusively on women.

When exploring the reasons behind this tendency in men, it’s often revealed (albeit reluctantly) that this is due to a number of reasons, including fear of being alone, a sense of obligation around needing to “fix” or save their partner, fears around rejection/ abandonment, and making excuses for the poor behaviour of their partner for fear of change or moving on. Hmm, sounds mighty familiar to the list of codependent traits above, doesn’t it?

Robert Glover, author of the bestselling self-help book for men, No More Mr Nice Guy, discusses many of these tendencies in men and just how common he has found them to be in his work as a counsellor and coach for men who struggle with “the nice guy syndrome.”

Glover, a recovering “nice guy,” writes extensively on the tendency for these men to try too hard to please others (especially romantic partners) while neglecting their own needs and often choosing critical or toxic partners who serve to confirm their core belief that they are not good enough.

Glover further notes that at the core of any kind of people-pleasing tendencies and codependency is a deep unconscious feeling of unworthiness or unlovability, which usually stems from childhood.

So while women are busy being stereotyped and branded as codependent, millions of men are flying under the radar with the same issues that present in different ways. This results in this issue being associated with women, while men who are struggling with similar core wounds are not receiving the validation and support that they need in order to overcome this pattern and ultimately stop hurting others around them.

My aim here is not to vilify men and victimise women, as that would only serve to reinforce the pattern we wish to transcend. Conversely, my mission is to help shed a light on the ways men and women have been adversely affected in a number of limiting ways that only lead to further misunderstanding and conflict.

If we can start to see the reality of how we have been conditioned, we can start to rebuild from a place of true equality and create a new paradigm right here on this rare and beautiful planet we call home.