Why Do Anxious and Avoidant People Attract?

When it comes to relationships and attachment, it seems that opposites attract and not in that Hollywood romance kind of way - I’m talking about people with an anxious attachment style and people with an avoidant attachment style.

People with these polar opposite styles often find themselves drawn to each other in romantic relationships, which seems completely counter intuitive, but I feel there are a few significant reasons for this. Let me explain.

Just a quick heads up before I proceed: this discussion will delve into attachment theory, a concept that may be unfamiliar to some readers. If you're interested in learning more, I recommend resources like the book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find (And Keep) Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

One of the most common reasons couples seek counselling is due to a dynamic known as the distancer/pursuer pattern, rooted in differences in attachment styles. Often, partners aren't explicitly aware of these dynamics unless they've explored attachment theory in therapy or through personal study.

In this dynamic, the anxious partner typically seeks closeness and fears distance in the relationship, while the avoidant partner feels uncomfortable with too much intimacy and uses distancing strategies, known as deactivating strategies, to create space.

For example, the pursuing partner might suggest a weekly date night to connect more deeply, but the distancing partner consistently finds reasons to avoid it, such as work commitments or social outings. This can leave the pursuing partner feeling rejected and unfulfilled, leading to criticism and complaints about feeling neglected or unloved.

In response, the avoidant partner may withdraw further or become defensive, reinforcing the pursuer's sense of being unwanted.

So why do anxious and avoidant individuals often attract each other, despite the challenges they face in meeting each other's needs?

One significant reason is that opposites often attract on a subconscious level. Anxious individuals may believe they are "too much" in relationships, while avoidant individuals may feel they are "not enough." We tend to seek partners who confirm these subconscious beliefs about ourselves, often influenced by our upbringing and early attachments.

For instance, someone raised by a caregiver who dismissed their emotions may learn to suppress their feelings and prioritise self-reliance. This upbringing often leads to an avoidant attachment style, where emotional closeness feels uncomfortable. An avoidant individual might be drawn to an anxiously attached partner who is expressive and in touch with their emotions, qualities they themselves lack but find attractive.

Conversely, an anxiously attached person may struggle with managing intense emotions, viewing this struggle as a weakness. They might find an avoidant partner appealing for their ability to remain calm and rational during emotional situations. Despite the potential for learning from each other, these partnerships often perpetuate negative interaction cycles around unmet needs and conflicts.

Another reason for this attraction is that it feels familiar on a subconscious level. Individuals may unconsciously seek partners who resemble a parent or caregiver, replicating familiar relationship dynamics.

Gendered conditioning also plays a role in attachment styles. Society often stereotypes women as anxiously attached, valuing emotional connection and closeness, while men are typically seen as avoidantly attached, valuing independence and emotional distance. However, these stereotypes can be reversed in same-sex relationships, where similar attachment dynamics emerge regardless of gender.

In counselling, it's not uncommon to encounter couples where the roles are reversed, with a male pursuer and a female withdrawer. These couples may have backgrounds involving trauma, influencing their attachment styles.

Aside from anxious and avoidant attachment styles, there are also secure and disorganised attachment styles. Secure attachment involves feeling comfortable and secure in relationships, without excessive anxiety or withdrawal. Disorganised attachment combines anxious and avoidant tendencies, often stemming from experiences of trauma or abuse in childhood.

I'll delve deeper into disorganised attachment and its impact on relationships in another article. For now, I'll leave you with this crucial insight into the pursuer-distancer dynamic, as it remains one of the primary reasons couples seek counsellng, often causing significant distress for both partners.